Two Kings
by lullabyemyuu
Summary: A Spamano hacker!AU Antonio, an unwilling hacker for a gang, is sent to get close to the heir of a company to obtain the info he needs to rip it off big time. Unfortunately, falling in love with his victim seems to have complicated things somewhat.
1. In Which Antonio is Put Under Pressure

_Two such opposed kings encamp them still _

_In man as well as herbs, grace and rude will; _

_And where the worser is predominant, _

_Full soon the canker death eats up that plant. _

_ Romeo and Juliet Act 2, Scene 3_

Antonio Fernandez Carriedo had always considered himself a decent man. He held the door for people, helped old ladies across the street and generally tried to be genuinely kind to everyone he met. His face was always lit with a happy smile and he cared deeply for his (rather small) circle of friends. Antonio Fernandez Carriedo was a decent man who had also happened to make horrible, horrible life choices.

It was these sorts of thoughts that occupied his mind as he sat hunched over a battered MacBook, fingers flying over the keyboard in a sort of desperate daze. Rewriting code and designing viruses was really nothing more than menial busywork for him and left him quite a lot of time to reflect on his life and wonder if there was a certain _point _he had gone wrong at or if he was screwed from the very beginning.

He plucked a tomato from the ceramic bowl at his side and munched on it. At least, while his spiritual bank might be practically empty his wallet was comfortably stuffed. Professional hacking paid well, after all, especially if you worked for one of the most influential gangs in the world.

Hacking hadn't really been his first career choice, per say, but he had considered it a serious hobby. At least at the beginning. Antonio really wasn't the sharpest crayon in the toolshed, but coding was simple to him. It came as easily as breathing and he took comfort in the fact that he was able to bend the thousands of little numbers to his will better than practically anyone in America. It was really his fault the gang had found and cornered him; he'd flaunted his skills a little too much.

So now he was stuck here, practically chained to his computer, endlessly doing small jobs that ripped off companies for sometimes millions of dollars. He'd really wanted to be a chef in his native country of Spain but the gang really hadn't given him much of a choice in that. Robbing people of their livelihoods didn't sit quite well on his conscience.

At least he wasn't alone in his misery. His two flat mates were also condemned to the same fate.

One was a fidgety man from Estonia by name of Eduard Von Bock. Evidently, he'd been rather infamous there though he viewed hacking as a way to make a living rather than a hobby. As soon as the gang had gotten wind of him, he'd been shipped straight over to the states.

The other was a Russian that made both Antonio and Eduard more than a little nervous. His name was Ivan Braginski and he outweighed both of them combined, wore a scarf even during the middle of summer and exuded a rather creepy aura. Plus, the fact that he seemed to _enjoy _hacking for the sole reason he was making people's lives miserable earned him no friendship points with the other two.

The three exchanged no words as they worked, though usually Eduard and Antonio would keep up idle chatter. This job was the most difficult one they'd had in months and it was taking all their skills to complete.

When they'd first gotten the memo, it had seemed easy enough. Just worm their way into the heart of a decently rich Italian company that bought and sold works of art by name of Vargas and Sons. They hadn't expected the number of number of precautions the company took against the likes of them. But Antonio was close to a breakthrough. He was sure of it.

He'd taken control of the company's heir's computer and was now slowly sifting through files in search of the password that would allow them access to the Vargas and Sons' private bank account.

"Now what do we have here, Lovino . . ." Antonio whispered, finding a folder labeled simply with the heir's name. _Lovino Vargas. _What a pretty name. He clicked on it to find it filled with a few other folders.

_Tomato-based Recipes_

_ That fucking German_

_ Pictures of Cats (fuck you I like cats)_

_ Painting Portfolio_

_ Banking Information_

Antonio blinked in surprise as he studied the folders' names. What an odd person this Lovino must be. But he liked tomatoes so he couldn't be all that bad.

His breath caught as he hurriedly scrolled back through the folders. _Banking information. _There it was. With a trembling hand he moved his mouse over it and clicked.

A dull noise sounded and a popup appeared on screen.

_Password Required._

Antonio's grin faded slightly before he allowed himself to chuckle. Of course there'd be a password. Otherwise this would be far too easy.

He immediately went to his hacking tool belt; an extra bar he'd installed at the bottom of the screen. Smiling, he tried converting the popup to HTML format.

Nothing.

Frowning, Antonio went for another weapon in his arsenal. Strange. That tactic had always worked before.

After fifteen minutes of failed attempts, Antonio was ready to scream. It had _never _taken this long for him to hack something before. _Never! _But still that blasted popup stood strong. It was sort of like the little engine that could. Or rather, the little popup that _would not fucking go away._

"Eduard, Ivan; I need your help," he growled, not taking his eyes off the screen. The other two looked up in surprise.

Eduard settled into the chair beside Antonio and pulled the MacBook onto his lap. Ivan stood behind him, resting a hand of the other's shoulder in a way that made him shudder uncomfortably. Antonio watched intently and started on his second tomato.

After half and hour, Eduard threw up his hands in disgust. "Fuck this! Ivan, you have to go."

Ivan quickly recovered from the shock of the normally mild-mannered Estonian cussing and plucked the laptop from his hands. He plopped down on the floor and began to aggressively program a virus that would draw the password up from the system. Antonio reached for his twelfth tomato.

The virus was destroyed before it could even get halfway there.

Ivan merely smiled darkly. "I guess we will have to try a more _unorthodox_ approach, da_?_"

Antonio and Eduard stopped breathing. They half expected him to take out a pickax from under that huge coat of his and start attacking the computer.

Instead, he calmly clicked on the text box and entered the word _password._

Time slowed to a full stop as the computer processed the password. The three men barely blinked, as if afraid it would cause the hard drive to reject it.

The popup box shook itself slightly, erasing the word. Angry red letters glowed at the top of the screen. _Password incorrect._

And then below it: _Would you like a hint?_

"Yes! Yes! Click it!" Antonio practically screamed. Ivan shot him a concerned glance before clicking the text.

More words appeared. _My greatest fear._

The three had about five seconds to express their intense disappointment in a cacophony of moans and groans before the door to their apartment was forcibly slammed open.

"Hey, nerds! Freedom's here!"

"Ugh, _Alfred,_" Eduard whimpered as the three stared up at their employer from their vantage points on the carpet.

A bespectacled young man wearing a bomber jacket stood grinning in the doorway, hamburger in one hand and small American flag in one hand.

"So!" he shouted, "Russian, Mexican and smaller Russian; what's the status report?"

"Estonian," muttered Eduard. "I'm _Estonian._"

Antonio didn't even bother correcting him. Things were simpler this way. "We seem to have hit a . . . slight complication."

Alfred's face darkened slightly. "This better be nothing big. I've got a date with a hot British dude tonight and by no means am I missing it."

Antonio and Eduard shook their heads frantically. "No, no. It's nothing too big! Just something we have to find out how to overcome." Ivan just stared at Alfred's back.

Immediately, the American's usual grin was back. "Good, good. Now what seems to be the trouble?"

Antonio handed him the laptop. "None of us can get passed this password box."

His boss fiddled around with it for a few minutes, an expression of intense concentration gracing his face. At last, he raised his eyes to the hint, and then down towards the name of the folder. He began to grin broadly before spinning around to face the other three.

"Well, this is easy!" he cried. "One of you just has to get this Lovino Vargas person to give up the hint!"

They stared at him in disbelief.

"One of . . . us?" asked Eduard. "Don't you have people for that?"

"Yes . . ." said Ivan, looking troubled. "I am not so good with the . . . people skills."

Alfred smirked. "Well obviously it'd be the Mexican who'd be going. The Russian is too fucking creepy and the little Russian shits his pants at the thought of human contact. Besides isn't the Mexican as gay as a hummingbird? He'd have no problem getting close to this Lovino kid!"

Antonio didn't quite know how to reply to that. Humming . . . bird? What?

He clapped a hand on Antonio's back and the Spaniard had the sudden, unexplainable urge to attack him with his knees. "I'll arrange for you to become his assistant! Don't worry; I have _friends _within that company. It'll be no problem! Pack your bags, because tomorrow you're shipping out!"

And then he was gone, leaving the three hackers more confused than ever.

_ a/n I thought I'd put up the first chapter of the Hacker!AU before I get started on the next part of Don't Say A Word._

_ I'm planning on this to be a Romance/Drama/Humor sort of deal, Spamano of course. While Don't Say A Word has lots of focus on the side pairings, this is going to be pretty much all Spamano. _

_ So, are you guys interested in reading the rest? I'd love some feedback! Thanks!_


	2. In Which The Two Catalysts Meet

Lovino Vargas growled, slamming his laptop shut and falling back in his spinny chair with a thud. Damn thing wasn't working right, as usual. And, for once, he had work to do. Not that he usually didn't have work! He was a very busy person, trying to keep his grandfather from running the company into the ground.

He tossed the piece of junk onto his desk and sighed, running his fingers through his hair. Work had been piling up as of late and he was sure he probably looked like a mess. Sitting for hours in the same position was _not _doing wonders for his complexion or figure.

Spinning around in circles, Lovino contemplated how he was going to tell his grandfather that they had lost another large sum of money due to one of Feliciano's fuck ups. In the old fart's eyes, Feli was perfect and could do no wrong. Which was why he was sniffing out new talents to add to their gallery and Lovino was stuck behind a desk. It should be _him _out there, not his sappy little brother who pretty much accepted every piece down-on-their-luck artists presented him with, regardless of whether they were all of neon walrus penises.

Which, coincidentally, had been what they'd lost so much money on.

Lovino resisted the urge to slam his head repeatedly on the tale as he held up his hand and counted off how many hundreds their company had lost in the past half-month on his fingers. He ended up having to use one of his feet as well. Damn, the old man wasn't going to be happy about this.

And, speak of the devil, here came his grandfather now. Roma Vargas roughly pushed open the expensive glass doors to his grandson's expensive glass office and waltzed in like he owned the place (which he did), arms draped over two giggling women and a ridiculously wide smile on his face.

"_Heyyy, _Lovi!"

Lovino gave him a withering look. "I thought I'd told you not to call me that."

Roma shooed the blushing ladies away and Lovino focused his glare on their backs until he was sure they were safely out in the hallway.

"Well, you sure are grumpy today!" laughed his grandfather, coming over and kissing Lovino's cheeks. "We need to get you a special lady friend! So what did you think of Marcella and Juliet? Their pretty fine, are they not? I'm sure if you asked you're old man here would be willing to spare one!"

Lovino's face immediately turned bright red. "You know I don't swing that way."

Roma laughed raucously, engulfing him in a back-breaking hug. "Well, there's nothing wrong with playing for the other team! Everyone likes to experiment a little, except for me of course!"

The younger Italian just glared at him. "So, why are you here again? Last time I checked, you didn't usually visit me in the office. You're dressed in a t-shirt and jeans so I assume you're not going to be staying." He jerked his head at Roma's attire.

"You sure are a sharp one!" Roma patted him on the back. "Which is why you're here, working to become the heir to this company while your brother is out looking at pretty paintings."

Lovino frowned. "Oh, really? I thought it was because you liked him better," he sniped and was pleased to see his grandfather's face darken slightly.

"Oh, come on, Lovi. You're not still nursing that old inferiority complex, are you? That whole affair was years ago, I'm a different man now-"

"Yeah, yeah, well you're not exactly the only one that compares me to my brother, are you?" Lovino interrupted to an irritated wave of his hand. "Now why the fuck are you here?'

"Oh!" immediately Roma was bright and cheery again. "I have something-er, well _someone _I want you to mee-"

"It's not a whore, is it?" he deadpanned.

Roma faked hurt. "Of course not! No, no, I've got something much better. A personal assistant! And he's a handsome one, too." He winked at Lovino.

Lovino felt the blood drain from his face. "A . . . a _personal assistant_? Why the fuck would you get me one of those? I'm not exactly a . . . a people person! So you think I can't handle this?"

The other man simply plowed right on as if Lovino hadn't spoken at all. "He's got a recommendation from that one guy . . . Alfred! Yeah, Alfred! Now, _that _guy is trustworthy! He's that one . . . guy who works here's brother! You know, the Canadian one? With the flippy curl thingy?" He made a vague gesture in front of his face. "Whatever, I don't remember his name. But anyway, this assistant guy is hot and seems competent enough so I think you should give him a shot!"

Lovino contemplated all the ways he could react to this. One: he could pull a hissy fit and start a fight with his grandfather. Two: He could take it lying down now and accept his fate and maybe kill this guy later and dispose of his body in a dumpster. Three: He could have that Belarusian girl maybe kill this guy later and dispose of his body in a dumpster.

But he went with option for. "So exactly _how _hot is this guy."

Roma grinned. "Spanish-tan hot. Let me call him in. _Antonio!_"

This guy had been out there the entire time? "You know, it doesn't even surprise me that you brought those whores into my office instead of, you know, _the guy that you were supposed to be hiring_."

Roma gaped. "Lovi! They're not whores! They're _prostitutes! _ Don't offend the whores by calling them that!"

Lovino face palmed at that and when he brought his hand away to find himself staring at one of the most attractive men he'd ever seen.

The very attractive man (who's name was evidently Antonio) was looking at him with a rather love-struck expression.

_Oh, fuck._

Xxx

Antonio wished that Lovino had put some pictures of himself on his computer so that he would've been prepared for how incredibly . . . _good looking _the heir looked. He had a faint pout on his lips, slightly tanned Mediterranean skin, shiny chestnut hair (with an odd piece of hair sticking out to the left) and _gorgeous _hazel eyes. Oh, and a deep blush that covered his face and made him look like a tomato. Antonio _really _liked tomatoes.

Maybe he even liked them a little more now.

_No, no, no, no I am _not _going to fall in love with this kid! I don't even know him! Worse than that! I'm his assistant! No, wait, worse than that! I'm secretly a hacker sent here to steal from him! _Okay, he just had to come up with a suave, professional greeting. He couldn't get too attached to this man. He had a job to do here. He needed to be suave. Yeah, _suave. _Smooth like _silk. _

"So did it hurt when you fell from heaven?"

_Well that came out wrong._

He was dimly aware of Mr. Vargas laughing loudly from somewhere to his left but he was more focused on Lovino's face. His mouth was opening and closing, making him look like a fish a little bit and the blush had now deepened ten-fold.

"What . . . what the fuck?" Lovino finally gasped. They just stared at each other for what felt like ten minutes but in actuality was more like thirty seconds. The awkwardness of the whole situation steadily rose until Roma stepped in to make it a whole lot worse.

"Well, I'll just leave you two love birds alone!" he roared gleefully, before pulling the still-shocked Lovino to the side and whispered something in a voice that was clearly not a whisper at all. "Remember, Lovi, you're _Italian _so you're definitely gonna be on top. Make your grandpa proud!" And then he left.

The tension in the room was so thick you could scoop it out and put it in cone. Antonio sort of hoped it was chocolate, his favorite flavor. Maybe that was Lovino's favorite flavor too! Maybe he could take Lovino to the park and they could get ice cream and hold hands and get married and . . .

Antonio mentally slapped himself. Then he really slapped himself, earning him a surprised look from Lovino. He sort of wanted to run away right now and sort out all these feelings because if there was one thing Antonio Fernandez Carriedo did _not _do was fall in love as quickly as a freshman girl checking out the new exchange student. He considered himself far more romantic than that. Romantic, yeah!

And dear lord, why was he even thinking this? Even if Lovino did . . . want to _date _him it wouldn't last. Of course it wouldn't last. Because then Antonio would have to break his heart and run away with his money.

The thought saddened Antonio immensely. _If these were different circumstances . . . _

Damn. It was going to be a lot harder to get close to Lovino than he thought. The quicker he found out what this guy's greatest fear was the quicker he could get out of here and forget this lovely Italian boy ever existed.

"S-so . . ." he stuttered, attempting to relieve some of the tension. "I'm your personal assistant, huh? Um, so would you mind showing me some of my duties?"

Lovino nodded quickly in what Antonio deemed to be relief and started to talk rapidly. He gestured to his large oaken desk. "That's my desk. I, uh, sit at it and do work and stuff. You'll e spending most of your time assisting me with going through paper and the like, because that's what assistants do, right? Assist people!"

Antonio stared at him, feeling his heart melt slightly. This kid was adorable! Look how nervous he was!

Lovino's slightly flustered look morphed into one of annoyance. "What the hell are you looking at, fucker?"

Ah. So it seemed he had quite the mouth. Oh well, Antonio always liked people with passion.

Lovino gestured to more of his office and Antonio listened as best he could, taking in the charming little idiosyncrasies that he could deduce from the decor. There were several little Italian flags scattered about the room, as well as prints featuring Italian foods, mainly tomatoes. On his desk, lay a few glass sculptures, also tomatoes. _Could I have found someone who likes tomatoes as much as I do? _Their were a couple of pictures of what Antonio assumed to be Lovino's family; Roma, a rather happy looking young man with a hair kink similar to Lovino's, another young man with a squarish hair kink and Lovino himself of course. Lovino seemed to be frowning in most of the pictures as opposed to the wide grins of the other two (brothers?).

Lovino followed his gaze and scowled. "Those two happy idiots are my brothers. The one with his eyes closed is called Feliciano. He works here, though hopefully you won't be seeing much of him. The other is called Marco and he lives in Seborga so you _won't _be seeing him. Now let's go meet your fellow employees. I'll make sure to point out which ones can and can't kill you. Useful knowledge in this company."

Antonio blinked and followed Lovino as he left the office and descended the flight of the stairs he had come up before with Roma.

"Um, Lovino?"

Lovino didn't stop, nor did he turn around to look at Antonio. "Yes?"

"I just wanted to thank you for giving me this opportunity to work for you. I promise I won't let you down!"

The lies tasted sour in his mouth.

_a/n Next week, Antonio meets his new coworkers! Please review and thank you for reading!_


	3. In Which Gilbird Is Taken Hostage

_A/n I apologize if this chapter seems a little crackish to you. It kinda did to me. But it's more just set up and introducing characters. And, really, if a bunch a crazy countries worked in Dilbert-esque cubicles I think the result would be a little crackish anyway._

_Well, I had fun writing this at least! So please enjoy __and review__!_

Antonio gulped, straightening his tie as he gazed upon the literal _plain _of cubicles arrayed in rows and stretching out before him in some vast grey plain. From his vantage point at the top of the stairs, he could see the vague forms of people typing at computers and talking on phones. This type of environment was so strange and foreign to him. He was used to having a lot of freedom while he worked, which the gang was more than willing to provide him with. Hopefully Lovino would be flexible as well.

_Yeah, in bed._

_ Shut up!_

_ I do what I want!_

_ This is stupid. I'm arguing with myself. I should stop now._

_ Hell, yeah._

"Are you going to stand there all day or are you going to come down and let me introduce you to your coworkers?" Lovino was standing at the bottom of the stairs, hands on his hips and features drawn into a scowl. "The faster I introduce you the faster you'll be safe."

_Aw, he cares about me!_

"And I do _not _feel like cleaning up bloodstains this early in the morning."

_Oh._

Antonio quickly joined his new boss at the bottom of the stairs, once again feeling nervous. From what Lovino kept saying, these people would not be easy to deal with. "So . . . you let your employees get away with murder?"

Lovino shrugged and bit into a tomato he had seemingly pulled from nowhere. "Eh, shit happens."

Antonio stared at him wide-eyes for a minute before Lovino's mouth curled into the tiniest of smirks. "I'm joking, idiot. We wouldn't stay open for very long if that was the case, now was it?"

The Spaniard breathed a sigh of relief. "That's good, I was beginning to-"

"But there _are _a few crazies around here I'm too scared to fire so I think we better start with them first."

"I . . . okay."

Lovino led him to a group of cubicles clustered off to the side and poked his head in one. "Yo, Gilbert. Roma's looped another poor fuck into working with me so I'd appreciate it if you didn't frighten him too much, okay?"

A white haired man quickly spun around in his desk chair, stuffing something down his shirt. His disconcerting red eyes bright with panic. "Lovi! Don't sneak up behind me like that! Jesus, you almost gave me a heart attack . . ." He noticed Lovino's cool glare. "I swear it's not what you think it is!"

Lovino held out his hand commandingly as Antonio merely looked on in confusion. "Hand it over, Gil. This is the third fucking time this week and you're lucky I'm not going to put it in the water cooler this time."

Gilbert placed his hands over his breast protectively. "No! Not the water cooler! Gilbird can't swim!" A quiet cheeping seemed to be coming from under his tie.

_Gilbird? _Antonio cocked his head as Lovino took a menacing step forward. "Give it here, bastard. You can come pick him up at my office at the end of the day. My new assistant can keep an eye on that little demon puffball."

Reluctantly, Gilbert reached down his shirt and withdrew a small yellow chick, gently depositing it in Lovino's hand. "This isn't awesome, Lovi. Now I'll be lonely for the rest of the day."

"Don't call me that, fucker." After petting the chick's tiny head briefly, Lovino shoved it at Antonio. "Take this. Put it in your pocket or something. Doesn't matter."

"Be gentle with him!" Antonio finally had Gilbert's attention as he leaned out of the cubicle, supervising the brunette as he placed the bird in his breast pocket. It chirped softly before falling asleep and Gilbert smiled lovingly.

"Um . . ." Antonio tapped Lovino's shoulder. "Is it . . . is he . . . going to stay there all day?"

His employer gave him a weird look. "Of course not, dumbass. I have a cage set up for just this sort of problem."

"Gilbird doesn't _like _cages," he whined but Lovino ignored him, he grabbed Antonio's hand (_don't blush, don't blush, don't blush_) and pulling him away.

"I think we've wasted enough time here."

"But I didn't get to introduce the awesome me yet!"

Antonio had sort of hoped he'd get an introduction as well, but as long as Lovino kept holding his hand he really couldn't care either way.

Lovino released his grip and gave an irritated wave. "Fine, go ahead."

Gilbert immediately jumped out of the desk chair and grasped Antonio's hand, shaking it firmly. "Hi! I'm the awesome Gilbert Beilschimidt, from the country of Prussia! I like cute things, Frederich the second, European history, bagels, blogging, potatoes, fire, Pokemon, pretzels, birds, kitties, being alone and beer! Also I am asexual and definitely am not in love with anyone that works in this office!"

"I . . ." Antonio stared at him, wide-eyed. _Is this how everyone here is_? "I'm Antonio Fernandez Carriedo from the country of Spain and I like computers, tomatoes and Lovi-" he quickly caught himself and tried to end the sentence gracefully, "Lov_ing _football. Because that's what I like to do! Love football! Yep!" _Nice save, _he thought proudly, oblivious to the weird looks the other two were giving him.

"Okay, I think we're done here," Lovino said, turning away. "Thankfully not everyone isn't as long-winded as this loud-mouth here so we should be finished in time for lunch."

"Hey, Antonio! You should have lunch with me and Francis today! I'm sure he'll _love _to meet you."

Antonio felt Lovino shudder beside him. "Yeah, you do that. That way I won't have to introduce you to him."

Deciding to ignore that, Antonio smiled brightly at Gilbert. "Okay, then!" _Good for me! I'm making friends here already! It's too bad . . . I won't be able to keep them, will I?_ His grin faded slightly as he allowed Lovino led him away. It seemed so much harder to steal from people that he knew and liked.

Xxx

No one else Lovino introduced him to was quite as overbearing as Gilbert, but they all certainly had their own little quirks.

There was a Hungarian girl named Elizabeta Herdevary that kept a frying pan under her desk and seemed to either hate or love Gilbert, maybe both. Antonio wasn't sure. What he was sure of was that she could do serious damage with that frying pan to both one's personal property and the person themselves. Ah, well. He needed a new phone anyway.

He certainly hadn't hit it off with an angry British man by the name of Arthur Kirkland. The word 'armada' came to mind but he wasn't really quite sure why. The fact that he kept turning around and whispering angrily to a unicorn that neither Lovino nor Antonio could see also encouraged him to stay far, far away from this man.

He'd made a dire mistake at poking fun at the extremely volatile Vash Zwingli when the Swiss man had threated him with a water gun laying next to his computer for stepping over his 'line of neutrality." It was a shame Lovino hadn't warned him the gun was full of scalding coffee and that Vash always, _always _aimed for one of two spots: the eyes or the crotch. Antonio got both as 'a warning.'

After changing his pants in the bathroom, he was immediately socked in the stomach by a Dutchman that, according to Lovino, was just 'passing by.' No one really knew if he worked there or not.

Lovino then decided it was time for lunch.

Antonio followed Lovino up the stairwell to his office, patting the sleeping Gilbird (who had been completely unaffected by the hardships his transporter had been put through) when a figure came striding down the stairs with a grim sense of purpose.

The woman had long silvery hair and carried a knife in her right hand (fake, fake, please let it be fake). She would have been incredibly beautiful if not for the murderous scowl on her face.

As soon as Lovino saw her, he froze and moved behind Antonio as her gaze came first to rest upon the Italian, and then the Spaniard.

Antonio raised his hand feebly. "Um. Hola?"

In less then a second, she had grabbed his collar and slammed him against the wall, raising the knife to his throat. Oh. So it was real then. How unfortunate.

"_Where. Is. Brother?_" she hissed quietly.

Antonio shuddered. "Um, I think you have the wrong person. I-"

"Er, Antonio, this is Natalya Braginski of Belarus. She's one of our . . . more passionate employees here. She also has a strange obsession with her . . . brother. Who is missing." Lovino's voice sounded shaky. "Natalya, you can put him down now. Interrogating everyone who comes to work here is not going to help you find Ivan-" She pointed her knife at him and he shut up.

Antonio's blood had already run cold at the sound of her last name. _Braginski. _Ivan. She was Ivan's crazy sister the Russian had feared so much.

Natalya leaned in close and whispered in Antonio's ear. "You are one of the hackers Ivan works with, yes?" Antonio nodded, breathless. "You know where he is, yes?" Another nod. "Mr. Lovino does not know you are a hacker, yes?" Antonio stared at her in horror and her lips curled into a disturbing grin. "Good. That's all I needed to know. Meet me at the McDonald's near here on Friday. I have an offer for you." Natalya released him and he crumpled to the ground, gasping.

She offered a stiff nod to the terrified Lovino before heading back down the stairs.

Lovino approached him and held out his hand. Antonio took it gratefully and the other man helped him to his feet. "Jesus, she was pretty rough on you huh, bastard? What was that all about?"

"I don't know," Antonio wheezed, and for once he was telling the truth.

Xxx

When they reached Lovino's office, Antonio withdrew the still-sleeping Gilbird from his pocket and watched as his employer collapsed into his chair with a heavy sigh. "So do you want your resignation papers now or do you want to wait until the end of the day?"

"What?" Antonio shook his head frantically. "I'm not planning to resign!"

Lovino lifted his head in surprise. "You're not? I'm impressed."

Antonio shrugged, absentmindedly stroking the chick's feathers. "They don't seem like bad people. Just eccentric. And dangerous." _The only one I'm really concerned about is Natalya. Oh, shit, what am I going to do about her?_

Lovino rose and took Gilbird, setting him on his laptop. "If you say so. Anyway, you can head to lunch now. It's your break."

"Who do you eat with?" Antonio queried. _Surely someone as perfect as you has tons of friends._

Lovino's brow darkens. "No one."

"W-what?" Antonio asked in surprise.

"I don't have . . . many friends," the Italian sighed, massaging his temples. "But that's okay. Just go."

"I . . . do you want me to eat with you?"

"I told you to get out!" Lovino snapped. "I don't need your pity. Now go. When you get back, I'll go over your duties."

"If your sure-"

"I am."

"Okay."

"So why aren't you leaving?"

"Are you really sure-"

"Yes!"

"How about tomorrow?"

" . . . just go."

Antonio closed the door with an uncomfortable feeling in his stomach.

_a/n I know there wasn't much Spamano in this chapter but I'm trying to take it slower and make it more realistic if you know what I mean. Lovino really hasn't fallen for Antonio quite yet. Or at least he just doesn't realize it. _

_Thanks for reading!_


	4. In Which The Bad Friends Trio Talks

"Yo! Antonio! Over here, buddy!"

Antonio looked up from the nacho cheese he was scooping onto his tray to see Gilbert waving at him frantically from a table near the end of the lunch line. Another man sat- no, _lounged _next to him reading a book.

Grinning, Antonio waved back, replacing the spoon. "I'll be over in a second!" He dug around in his wallet and passed a few crumpled bills to the woman manning the register. She offered him a slightly teary smile before printing out a receipt and scribbling something on the back of it.

"Here you go," her smile wavered a bit as she handed it to him. Antonio opened his mouth to ask if something was wrong when he was cut off by Gilbert. "Come _on _Antonio! Stop flirting with Katyusha and get your but over here! You have to meet Francis!"

The woman blushed a little at that and Antonio blinked in surprise. Muttering a quick word of thanks, he began to weave his way through the cafeteria, careful to avoid catching the eye of anyone he had pissed off during Lovino's orientation.

He slid into the seat next to Gilbert and glanced across the table to the other man. He still hadn't looked up from the book he was reading. Antonio realized it was incredibly filthy porn novel (Eduard had owned a copy of it, Fifty Shades of Gay, or something) and shuffled uncomfortably. Gilbert just grinned at him.

"Er, would you be Francis?" Antonio ventured. "Nice to meet you. I'm Antonio."

Francis looked up from his book at last, blue eyes widening as he caught sight of the new comer. He unbuttoned the first couple of buttons on his shirt in a completely not-subtle way that still managed to go way over Antonio's head.

"Keep your hands to yourself, Francis," Gilbert warned, waving his fork threateningly.

Francis ignored him and took Antonio's hand, raising it to his mouth and kissing it lightly. "A pleasure to make your acquaintance, _Antoine_- ("Uh, it's Antonio and what are you-") My name is Francis Bonnefoy. Perhaps you have heard of me?"

The Spaniard stared at him like a deer in head lights, a little unsure of what was going on. "Um, no, I haven't. Should I? Also you're making me uncomfortable so could you . . . let go . . . of my . . ."

Francis frowned, looking hurt. He waved his book under Antonio's nose. "I am the famous porn author, F. Bonnefoy! All men of your . . . _inclination _must have read some of my books! Why, they're all the rage! Haven't you heard of such fabulous titles like _Thor: God of Thundering Dicks _and _The Hungry-For-Your-Cock Games?_"

Gilbert smacked him over the head. "He doesn't want to hear about that, stupid! You're not going to make any friends if you introduce yourself life that!"

Francis grinned at him. "Why would I need friends when I have my crotch-monster to-"

Gilbert slapped a hand over Francis' mouth and smiled apologetically at Antonio. "He's not always like this. He's really a good person once you get to know him, if a little too obsessed with the S-word, if you know what I mean. It's all said jokingly, he wouldn't ever _did you just lick my hand, Francis?_"

Francis merely shrugged. "Well, it seemed like the only logical way to get you to stop." He made a face. "Tasted salty. Like a baked potato. Have you run out of that scented hand cream I gave you?"

Gilbert withdrew his hand in disgust, rubbing it on his pants. "Scented hand cream? What are you talking about? I'm not some _girl_ like you, Francey-pants."

The blonde looked disappointed. "I spent a lot of money on that and you didn't even use it? It was strawberry. I thought you _liked _strawberries."

"That was _you_?" Gilbert growled. "I thought that it was some sort of joke Elizabeta was playing on me. Why the hell would you give me scented hand cream?"

"I was merely trying to get you to embrace your feminine side!"

"For the last time _I am not gay! _I am_ asexual _and even if I_ was _attracted to someone itwould be a_ woman_! A_ woman, _you hear!With boobs and long hair! Like Elizabeta except not her because she hates me!"

"Hey, I've seen the way you look at that Austrian bartender. He's pretty fine, if I do say so myself. If he wasn't such a dick, I'd go right up to him and lick his-"

"_Shut up!_"

"Face."

Antonio watched this exchange, bringing a hand to his face in order to hide the grin spreading across his it. At last, he could hold it no more and began to giggle softly. This whole situation was so utterly ridiculous; it seemed out of a sit-com or a badly written office comedy.

The other two ceased their squabbling and turned to look at him, looks of shock on their faces. Antonio merely giggled harder, trying and failing to suppress his amusement.

A grin, not perverted in the slightest, merely warm, spread across Francis' face as he began to laugh as well, a completely stereotypical _ohonhonhonhonhon. _

At last even Gilbert's stern façade cracked and he laughed raucously in a way that hurt Antonio's ears. "_Kesesesesesese_! You really thought that was funny, huh?"

Antonio merely nodded.

"Well, you're welcome to eat lunch with us anytime," the albino grinned, patting him on the back.

Francis leaned across the table and drawled in his lazy French accent, "So, tell me a little more about yourself." He licked his lip. "I can tell you're not exactly the straightest dildo on the shelf, but perhaps you go both ways? You seemed to be having fun with our darling Katyusha over there. Anyone you fancy?"

Antonio's face reddened. "Is it really that obvious? I don't . . . go both ways. I was just talking to her, not flirting."

Francis nodded. "Mmmhmm, mmhmm. I, myself, partake of both genders. Anything with beauty deserves to be loved and appreciated, no? And Gilbert over here seems to have convinced himself that he's asexual to avoid ever having to talk to the person or persons he fancies."

"Hey!"

"So who do you fancy, fair Antonio?" asked Francis, leaning back. "Perhaps you find yourself inexplicably attracted to this fine body?" He gestured to himself. "I would not blame you, for many people find it hard to resist my dashing good looks and charms."

Gilbert tapped him on the shoulder, smiling evilly. "Hey, I think I know who Antonio likes. And his name begins with _love_ and rhymes with cappuccino."

_Loveuccino? _Thought Antonio before his brain fully processed who Gilbert meant.

Francis narrowed his eyes at Antonio. "Lovino? Lovino Vargas? As in Lovino Vargas who has no friends and is rude to nearly everyone? I admit he is awfully cute, but his brother is cuter and less . . . abrasive. Also, Gilbert, love, don't try rhyming anymore. Where did you get the idea that Lovino rhymed with cappuccino?"

Antonio stared at him with wide green eyes. "How could you say that about my Lovi? He's adorable! Haven't you _seen _him? He's so precious and sweet and kind even though he tries to be mean. He may be a little stand-offish, but, well, that's just how he is! Plus, he's got the most gorgeous eyes . . ."

Gilbert made a gagging face and Francis merely looked skeptical. "You've only known him for less than a day, so I'd advise you learn a bit more about him before falling that head-over-heels in love with the boy. Normally, I'd recommend you'd go for the two sweeter of the brothers but Feli's boyfriend looks like he'd be able to rip your head off and the other one lives across the ocean in Seborga."

"I don't want them, I want Lovino," Antonio persisted, like a petulant child.

Gilbert elbowed Francis in the side. "Hey, let him love who he wants. Besides, I agree with the guy. Lovi's really nice once you get to know him. I like him, even if he does steal Gilbird sometimes. And I'm pretty sure that's only because he's jealous."

"Ooh, Gilbert, three love interests? Quite the Casanova, if I do say so myself." Francis laughed.

Gilbert buried his face in his hands. "I'm too awesome for this conversation."

"Anyway," said the blonde, turning back to Antonio, who was now looking at Gilbert suspiciously. "You better throw away Miss Braginski's number, as not to give her false hope. Look at you, breaking hearts already and you haven't even been here a day!"

"Braginski?" asked Antonio, heart beginning to beat a little faster. The crumpled receipt in his hand seemed like molten lead. "She's Natalya's sister?"

Francis nodded. "Not much a family resemblance, I know. Katyusha's a sweet thing. By the way, have you seen the size of that bosom? Of course, you probably weren't looking."

Antonio ignored that and slowly unfolded the scrap of paper, reality coming crashing right back down on him again. _I can't really be friends with these people. I don't deserve friends. _He scanned the scrawled message with a growing sense of dread.

_I'm sure Natalya has already spoken with you. It'd be best if you met up with her. Don't worry, your secret is safe with me._

_~Katyusha._

Antonio stuffed it in his back pocket and rose abruptly. "Uh, I'm sorry guys. It was nice chatting with you but Lovi- no, Lovino is expecting me. Catch you later!" And then he was off, much to the confusion of Gilbert and Francis.

Xxx

Lovino stroked Gilbird absentmindedly, slouching in his swivel chair. His lunch sat on the desk in front of him, ignored for once.

His new assistant genuinely seemed to like him. It was an odd feeling that resonated oddly in Lovino's heart. As a general rule, he didn't make friends all that easily. In fact, he hardly had any friends at all, if you didn't count Gilbert.

Antonio's chocolate hair and sea-green eyes sprang to mind and Lovino blushed furiously. It was no secret that the man was attractive. _Very _attractive. Sizzling.

Why the hell would he like Lovino, of all people? Why hadn't he quit already? He should just fire him, before this crush became something more. Love was a dangerous thing, a hazard Lovino could do without. He had too much experience in the field of broken hearts. Yeah, firing him would be the best course of action.

A knock on the door and a concerned, "Lovi? Are you in there?" immediately banished those thoughts from his mind and his heart leapt in his throat.

"Yeah, come in!" _I hope you know what you're getting yourself into._

_a/n I hope you enjoyed this chapter and I do apologize for the wait. I had fun writing the Bad Friends Trio's conversation, it almost wrote itself. This chapter was a little shorter than I had planned, I'm sorry! Lovi's part pretty much came and went, and I didn't want to make him too introspective. It bugs me in fics when Lovino does a whole lot of thinking and barely any acting. He's a dynamic person._

_ Next time, Antonio dines at a fast food restaurant he really doesn't want to be at, Ivan and Alfred play checkers and Gilbert discovers the secret of life in a bowl of prunes. _

_Ciao!_


	5. In Which Alfred Is Ineffable

The rest of the day passed without much event. Lovino showed Antonio the ropes in the most scathing way he could possibly muster and Antonio pretended to listen while slowly remembering that oh yeah, he was supposed to be finding out Lovino's greatest fear. Which, for the record, was not going as well as he'd hoped.

"Lovi! Lovino! There's a spider!" Antonio squealed in what he hoped came off in a 'frightened office assistant way.' "Look there's a _spider_!" He pointed frantically to the bottom of the file cabinet he'd been reorganizing. There, indeed, was a spider sitting there. It innocently stared up at Antonio in a slightly bewildered way that seemed to say, "Yeah, so what?" Antonio winked at it. _Don't worry spider, I'm sure that Lovino will be too frightened to do anything to you. I mean come on, he looks so innocent and fragile . . ._

Lovino looked up from his computer, annoyed. "Fuck, Antonio, what are you, a girl? Just step on it or something." Gilbird cheeped in affirmation from Lovino's shoulder.

Antonio's eyes widened comically. "But. It's. A. _Spider._"

Lovino slammed his laptop with a bang and stood harshly, thrusting his chair away from him dramatically (the drama was increased by the fact that it was a swivel chair and therefore rolled away and knocked over a vase with a loud crash).

The Italian stalked over to the filing cabinet with a grim sense of purpose and Antonio scuttled away, suddenly fearing for his small spidery friend.

The spider cowered in fear and Lovino bent over and scooped it up in his hands. Antonio gaped.

_Well I guess spiders are out. _"So are you just gonna put him outside or something?" Antonio asked, forgetting to keep up his terrified façade.

Lovino didn't answer, instead walking back to where Gilbird sat nestled next to his laptop. Gilbird looked up and, catching sight of the spider, began cheeping happily.

"Phillip, no!" Antonio could only watch as Lovino slowly lowered the spider in the chick's hungrily snapping maw, an evil smirk adorning his handsome face.

And then Antonio and Phillip's short friendship came to a horrifying end.

Xxx

"Okay, I'm going home now."

"Hmm?" Antonio looked up lazily from a bookkeeping record that was slowly beginning to not baffle him quite as much as it had an hour ago. Lovino was donning a coat and dumping Gilbird out of the impromptu nest he'd made out of his expensive brown bowler. He examined the interior, wrinkled his nose, and tossed it away.

"Tonio, can you take Gilbird home with you tonight? I'm sure he'd be much happier at your place than at mine . . ." he trailed off as he realized his mistake.

"Did you just . . . did you just called me Tonio?" Antonio was staring at him with shining eyes. "Does that mean you like me? Does that mean I can call you Lovi now?"

Lovino wanted to sink into the floor. _God, I haven't even known this guy a day and I'm already talking to him like he's my best friend. Fuck. _"Shut up. Now are you taking Gilbird or what?"

"Ah! Of course!" Antonio dropped his stack of receipts and scrambled to Lovino's desk, where Gilbird was peeping angrily at the loss of his hat-nest. He picked up the little thing and picked up Lovino's hat from where he'd tossed it. "Uh . . ."

"Just take it," Lovino waved it off and placed an elegantly manicured hand on the doorknob. "I have others."

"Okay," Antonio put Gilbird in the hat and held it under his arm. He'd give it back to Gilbert tomorrow. "What time should I come in tomorrow? Your grandfather never really specified."

"Of course he didn't," Lovino growled as he remembered their earlier meeting. "Nine seems good. I might not get here until later anyway. I don't know. I've never had a personal assistant that's lasted very long."

"Why is that?" Antonio asked.

Lovino's face darkened. "They either hate me or use me to . . . Antonio why the fuck did you just turn the lights off?"

"Are you scared?" came a hopeful voice from somewhere in the vincity of the light switch.

"Good night, Antonio," said Lovino, slamming the door.

"See you at nine then!" Antonio hoped he hadn't locked it.

Xxx

"So I heard you got a girlfriend, yes?" Ivan picked up a black checker piece, contemplating where to move it.

"Boyfriend, Russian, boyfriend," amended Alfred, leaning back in his chair and scrutinizing the Russian.

"Ah," Ivan placed the piece down with a sharp click that echoed around the American's apartment. Alfred sighed deeply.

"Whatever, dude, I don't care if you approve or not. Artie's really sweet." Alfred triumphantly snatched up another one of Ivan's pieces.

"Well, I don't care that you don't care," grumbled Ivan, finger's twitching slightly as he moved the same piece again.

"Yes you do," snorted the other, getting another black piece. "If you didn't care you would be smiling that creepy smile of yours."

"I bet 'Artie' doesn't play videogames with you," Ivan thrust another piece forward aggressively.

Alfred shrugged. "Yeah, he's more a tea and sweaters guy. The quintessential stay-at-home gay Brit."

"Doesn't seem like your type," remarked Ivan.

Alfred's eyes flashed dangerously. "Don't tell me what my 'type' is, Ivan." He took another black piece and Ivan shifted uncomfortably.

Ivan was losing this game, and losing badly. Odd, he usually was able to put up at least a good fight. He attempted to change the subject to slightly safer waters. "So what's the big idea with sending Antonio to the company my sister works at? I'm willing to bet she knows him, after all."

"The Mexican?" Alfred surveyed the board. "Well, I've been feeling rather ineffable lately.

"He's Spanish not Mexican and I don't think you know what ineffable means." Ivan took one of Alfred's red pieces.

"I have too much money to find out what long words mean," snorted Alfred, kinging a piece.

Ivan wanted to point out that that didn't make much sense and ineffable wasn't a particularly long word anyway but refrained. The atmosphere was tense as it was and Alfred could be prone to explosive violence when you teased him too much.

Speaking of which, he wondered if the Brit knew that yet.

"This isn't just about getting into that company, is it?" Ivan made another move. "This is something bigger."

Alfred snatched up another piece. "I like playing games with people. People with normal feelings, normal emotions. I have everything planned out in my head. I know what's going to happen when the shit hits the fan. I've arranged everything perfectly. Everyone is just a piece on some . . . ineffable checker board. And no matter which way they move it's always going to end with a win for the U. S. of A. Namely, me."

Ivan frowned and felt slightly sick, as he always did when Alfred's darker side showed itself. "Everyone?" He took one of Alfred's pieces.

"Everyone," Alfred nodded.

"And you don't care what happens to your little 'game pieces'? God, Alfred, you sound like some evil mastermind."

"I care about some of my pieces. I care about you and Artie and Mattie. No one's going to get hurt unless they have to." He moved his king to the end of the board. "_I win._"

Xxx

Antonio walked into work the next day with a hatful of chick and a mildly positive outlook on life.

And then he got socked in the stomach by the Dutch man again and sprayed in the face by scalding coffee. He turned around just in time to see Vash ducking behind a nearby cubicle, gun in hand. The Dutch man simply strolled away, a slightly pleased look on his stupid Edward Cullen hair adorned face. Antonio considered going after him but decided he didn't feel like being fired on the second day.

That and he wanted to see Lovino as soon as possible.

"_Antoine! Antoine_, my precious little jar of sex and tomatoes! Lovino brashly informed me that you have Gilbird and I need him as soon as possible!"

Antonio held out the hat. "Um, yes? I wasn't sure what chicks ate and Lovino wasn't very specific so I just gave it some tomatoes. Why do you need it?"

Francis reached into the hat and pulled out the chick. It opened its eyes sleepily. "You better come see for yourself, mon ami, as you're now officially one of our friends. The Prussian is having a bit of a crisis and is now trying to find the meaning of life in a bowl of prunes."

"What?" Antonio wrinkled his forehead in concern. "What happened? Is everything alright?"

"No," said Francis solemnly. "It's not." He leaned forward conspiratorially, breath on on Antonio's earlobe, and whispered conspiratorially. "Elizabeta and Roderich, you know the bartender I was telling you about, have become an _item._"

"And that's bad?"

"Well of course it's bad!" Francis practically shouted. "There goes Gilbert's only two chances at love right out the window! Unless you count Lovino but I was mostly joking about that. He's a bit broken up about it."

At last they reached Gilbert's station. His laptop and miscellaneous desk adornments were on the floor next to him and a bowl of prunes were the only thing that were currently occupying his work area. He seemed to be concentrating on them very intensely.

"Gilbert . . . are you okay?' ventured Antonio.

"Shh!" Gilbert held up a finger. "I've almost got it. These prunes are hiding _something _and I'm on the verge of figuring it out."

So Antonio and Francis waited. And waited. And waited.

Until, about five minutes later (Antonio had been checking the clock) Gilbert shot up. "I've got it!" He reached it and held up a prune triumphantly.

"Uh . . ." Francis sounded mildly curious. "What is it you have gotten?"

Gilbert spun around and thrust the prune in their faces. "No one wants to date a prune! Prunes are all ugly and wrinkly and they make prune juice and only old ladies like prune juice. I am a prune! Metaphorically of course."

The other two just waited for him to continue. He didn't. Slowly, his triumphant grin faded to one of disgust. "I don't even _like _prunes! That isn't right at all! Lovi was right . . . love is stupid . . . I don't need love. I don't _want _love. I- Is that Gilbird?"

Francis dutifully handed the chick over and the Prussian (or would it be German?) began cooing over it happily. "I'm so happy you're here! I needed you! Maybe if I hide you right Lovi won't find you today . . ."

Antonio began to develop a strong sense of concern for both Gilbert _and _Lovino. Francis looked like he felt awful.

Having real friends was turning out to be harder than he thought.


End file.
